Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Drowning Practice

My phone rang on Monday morning.

"Steve? Sir, this is your bank. You're overdrawn by $85.75. We'll charge you $5 a day until this is resolved unless you deposit the balance by 2pm today."

"Wait, what? I have a debit card. I didn't bounce any checks. How could this happen?"

"You debited at Little Ceasar's, E&L Discount Liquor, and Grand Amoco when your account was empty."

"I have a debit card, not credit! Last time I tried that, I got 'Insufficient Funds!' What gives?"

"I can't answer that sir. You're overdrawn by $10.75 and there's $75 in fees. Three fees of $25 each."

"You guys have been great to me until now. I'll stop in and raise hell next week, when I get paid. Brace yourself."

Well fuck me. After gaping wide my asshole for a payday advance scam so I could pay a car repair and my rent simultaneously, I knew Christmas shopping was going to be a cruel humiliating outing. It was going to be worse facing my family with weak offerings and sad excuses. They really don't care if I buy them anything or not, but I care.

And now my bank yanks yet another wad of cash. I've also been borrowing money to buy gas to get to work. I'm falling down a hole. This is depressing. I am offficially feeling sorry for myself. Fuck your problems. I don't want to hear about those less fortunate than I, and how lucky I am. Mention that and I'll eviscerate you. Stand clear. Final warning.

My phone rang this morning.

"Steve? Sir, this is the Police Department. We've put a boot on your car due to nonpayment of $1300 in outstanding parking tickets. If you pay half and work out a payment plan for the remainder, we'll remove the boot."

"I... Uh... Surely we can work something out. I'm flat broke. I just got that car fixed. If I can't go to work, I can't get paid, and therefore can't pay you. I can see that you've got to try and collect from me, but there's gotta be some other way. Rendering me unable to earn money will leave me homeless quickly. That's pretty harsh for ignoring your tickets for neglecting to buy a village sticker. Right?"

"Hold on, sir... Okay. Call the municipal building. Here's the number."

I did. I got the Comptroller on the phone. Why the title 'comptroller?' Parsing that out, it sounds like computer + troller. Somebody who trolls on computers. Like a pedophile. Fuck the comptrollers, I say. Let's beat their skulls in with canned soups.

This one was kind. Frank. Of course his name was Frank. What else? I offered him $200 a month starting on January 4th. He had that boot off my car within an hour.

Still, my cash flow is fucked, and it's not going to improve anytime soon. I have three choices:

Quit eating, suicide, or join the army. Food, suicide, army. Army, suicide, food. Fuck fuck fuck. I hate you all.
2:58 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


December 14, 2005 3:08 PM, Blogger C-Note said...

I know that feeling all too well...Let me guess wellsfargo?

December 14, 2005 3:17 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Actually, I owe them money, too.

December 14, 2005 3:21 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

I was going to tell you all about starving children in Africa, and how lucky you are, but then you started talking about cars with boots on and I got funny little cartoon pictures in my head. I think the car should be wearing a hat too.

December 14, 2005 4:36 PM, Blogger Alecia said...

I can't believe your life...who in real life gets a boot on their car? Apparently you Steve. Way to go gang!

Also dude, the army and suicide options are one and the same. And don't quit eating, that's way too much fun to give up. I feel your pain with the lack of funds as I am currently unemployed. Awesome. Merry Christmas to us.

December 15, 2005 7:59 AM, Blogger Anonysis said...

Steve, you are WAY too good looking to worry about things.
Really. There are plenty of not so good looking people who don't. It will work itself out.

December 15, 2005 8:30 AM, Blogger Murph said...

You know what I would do? Instead of trying anything pro-active to fix the situation, I would take a nap and count on the chance that I would wake up to discover that I was wearing a jacket that had an endless supply of money inside whenever I reached in the pocket. It's unlikely, but sometimes you just need to have a little faith in ridiculous magic.

December 15, 2005 9:17 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

I hate banks. They will suck you dry with their little hidden fees and money gouging tactics. I say run up your bills some more and file bankruptcy. Take the man for a ride...

December 15, 2005 12:55 PM, Blogger Floyd said...

I'm overdrawn $584.66. No joking. Come on down here and we'll drink our sorrows away. Just hook up with parents in Western Springs and they'll give you a ride down.

P.S. If you tell them we're madly in love, I'll buy the alcohol as a reward.

December 20, 2005 12:28 PM, Blogger Linds said...

Hah,87 bucks?

I got paid 1600 bucks, bought all my christmas stuff, paid my rent, DIDN'T get groceries, and then my work took the entire 1600 back out of my account. I'm overdrawn $1100 bucks right now.

Suicide's looking pretty good, since I can't afford that food.
So yea, I know how you feel, babe.

December 20, 2005 6:24 PM, Blogger Stace said...



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