Tinfoil Viking Science: Our Modern Parlance

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Our Modern Parlance

NLCS Game 6 Announcer Thom Brennaman: "You can see where all the fans signed the walls here at Busch Stadium, saying goodbye, leaving memories of their favorite games in marker on the various concrete posts around the park."

Announcer Bob Brenly: "I wrote something down, but we can't show that on TV."

Back in a Chicago living room...

Roy: "Yeah, he probably wrote it in the bathroom. On a stall door. I wonder what Bob would write?"

John: "Let's see here. I know. Here I sit so broken hearted, tried to shart but only farted!"

Roy: "Shart? Not shit but shart?"

John: "Yeah! Don't tell me me you don't know what shart means. It's when you think you're gonna fart but you end up shitting your pants."

Roy: "I know, I know. I did it once. A long time ago.

John: "You sharter. You're a wannabe Bob Brenly with anal problems."

Roy: "Nah. I was shitfaced that night. Hey, you ever eat while you're shitting? Like pizza or something?"

John: "Ummmm. Yeah, I think I did. I was drunk. Definitely pizza. I know I've eaten candy on the shitter before. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of shitting, though? Downloading and uploading at the same time? Apart from being gross, it just seems retarded to me. Like taking a taxicab around the block."

Roy: "Like taking a taxicab around the block? Hahahaha! That's classic. I'm gonna eat some pepperoni pizza on the can this weekend just so I can go around telling people I took a taxi around the block. Then I'll laugh until they ask me what's so funny."

John: "You would. What if Darren did that? But because he was so drunk, he shit in the bathtub, then passed out there, pizza crust sticking out of the shit mound oozing from between his legs."

Roy: "Taking a taxi around the block and crashing into the house."

John: "Yes!"

There you go, folks. Here's a new entry into your vocabulary of vulgar phrasology: Eating while shitting shall henceforth be referred to as "taking a taxi around the block."

10:58 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

13 Comments:

October 20, 2005 12:46 PM, Anonymous said...: It's all about carrying around a notebook so you can write this crap down.
October 20, 2005 2:06 PM, Stace said...: Stopped by haven't read in awhile been SUPER BUSY, but nice lay out, not all the pictures show up at work. But you know work is gay anyway. c-ya.
October 20, 2005 5:18 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: Sars, either that or a tape recorder. Or in my case, a severe giggling fit that cemented the conversation in my brain, forever.

Stace, thanks! I can't get the little arrow at the bottom of my comment box to show up right. I've been bugging my template designer dude about it.

Karen, that story was actually inspired by a woman at a Bruger King. I read it on a blog yesterday, but I can't seem to find it today. The woman in question was farting while eating a Whopper, and surprise, she sharted.

She stood up, clutching her ass, manually squeezing her cheeks together. She exclaimed "Oh my god I just shit my pants!"

Then, with one hand, she let go of her ass, picked up her Whopper, took a massive bite, and then ran to the bathroom.
October 21, 2005 6:23 AM, Anonymous said...: wow, truth IS stranger than fiction. I admire your new "phrasology". I hope i never take a taxi around the block, no matter how shart-faced i am.
October 21, 2005 2:17 PM, Blake said...: With out a doubt I've taken a taxi around the block. Normally my vehicle of choice is Now 'N Laters or Fish Sticks.

Blake
October 21, 2005 7:40 PM, Dave Morris said...: If you're eating caviar or vichysoisse is it called "taking a LIMO around the block?"
October 21, 2005 9:44 PM, EcamirG said...: i actually just wanted to pop by and say that my astros are going to kick your fake team's asses.

actually, they probably aren't.

and you know what? i'm okay with that.

but while i'm here, i may as well tell you that i have decided that "writing a novel" is a euphemism for heavy drinking.

pass it on.
October 22, 2005 8:57 AM, Wardo said...: Steve, I'm enjoying the sudden sports-intensive nature of your posts. Maybe you did it last year, too, but I wasn't a regular reader by then.

This, combined with your new blog layout, reminds me more than a little of ESPN's Bill Simmons. You even use the same font he does, which seems to add credibility to your posts. It's a good thing. Do you ever read The Sports Guy? This last post reminds me of an off-colour posting he might come up with.

Keep up the good work.
October 22, 2005 6:23 PM, Isabella said...: First of all, I didn't read this and I haven't read you since I quit blogging months ago.

Second of all, if I had, I'd be laughing and pleased, I'm still sure from the reading I did before the tides changed.

Third of all, when are you coming to San Francisco to join the firm?
October 24, 2005 9:15 AM, Kerouaced said...: I have never taken a "taxi around the block," that is rather unappetizing...
October 24, 2005 11:59 AM, Caroline said...: It kinda made me vomit in my mouth alittle. Thats why I read you though.
October 24, 2005 1:41 PM, Lostinspace said...: Wow. I left for a few weeks, and you totally changed your site. I love the new look. I have missed you.
October 24, 2005 6:04 PM, Stace said...: NOW that's disgusting, but also very funny.