Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Monday, October 17, 2005

Marketing Molestation



"We got everybody here?"

"Yeah, go ahead. What kind of disgusting filth are you proposing today?"

"Money. It's always about money. It's about misleading the general public and taking advantage of their desperate need to feel like they're actually making a difference. It's about abusing labor laws by hiring illegal immigrants. It's about turning a quick buck before disappearing into the night."

"Okay. I like it already. Who's our target?"

"Well, let me lay it out for you. I'm talking merchandising. I was kicking myself for missing out on those irritating flag bumper stickers after 9/11 and the yellow ribbons for the troops after the second Gulf War began. Those are cold right now, but the lavender breast cancer ribbons are still selling a lot, and I haven't seen a single Katrina ribbon yet. We might not be too late for Katrina - people still have a raging erection for ribbons in general, and nowadays they don't care if their so-called donation actually reaches a victim- they just want to slap something on their bumper and pat themselves on the back. Katrina's hot right now. What color should we use? I was thinking green or blue. What phrase? Support Katrina Relief? Hurricane Katrina Donator? Maybe we should shoehorn the word "victim" in there somewhere. They like that. Think about it.

"The word is donor, not donator, Steve."

"Right, donor. Excellent. I've marked that down. Moving right along. We'll come back to ribbons. Next item. The White Sox are in the World Series. Cool, right? I agree. I was watching the postgame coverage last night after they won, and snuck in between the camera shots of plastered south side fans at 115 Bourbon Street in Merrionette Park and the boring player interviews full of vacant platitudes and rah-rah giddiness, they showed a shot of some Mexican laborers hand-stitching embroidered World Series patches to caps and shirts. We need to capitalize. We have thousands of unregistered aliens slinking through Chicago, haunting the day labor pools, ecstatic at the notion of raking in two bucks an hour unreported to Uncle Sam. Let's get them sewing. I want cheap garb that we can sell in bulk to gas stations, mom and pop groceries, ballpark merchandise stands, places like that. Let's offload some overpriced garbage and take advantage of the baseball euphoria. I figure this has to be worth a couple grand to us just this week alone. The key here is to find cheap plain black t-shirts get poor sweatshop laborers grinding this shit out. Right now. ASAP. I'm a week late, as usual, I know, but it's not too late if we act now.

"Wouldn't screen-printing be cheaper than embroidery? Let's be realistic here."

"Brilliant thought! Screen printing! Hell, we can even go the iron-on route and spend even less. Lovely. I've marked that down, too. Last and definitely least: A middling notion, but worth a mention. This one is less urgent. You all know the phrase "Shit Happens," right? So what about "Excrement Happens?" It's far too clever for its own good. I think the hipsters will eat it up. We can print it on hemp t-shirts. Not only can Christians get a nice clean chuckle wearing it, but so can the yuppie types. It's like the Nix/on, Nix/off shirts, only not nearly as clever. Can't you just imagine a bunch of bespectacled oatmunching assholes pointing to this slogan on their chests, saying "Get it? It's like shit happens, except it says excrement instead." I know, not funny. But that's exactly the point. It's for idiots. All three of these products are for idiots. They fork over their scabby money and we're rolling in cocaine for a month. Who's with me?"

"I like them all, Steve. But... um... How are we going to fund production? Who has to go sell this stuff, and if that's me, what's my cut? What are the details of the actual budgeting? Have you got any quotes from suppliers yet? Thought about any of that, you crude shameless advantage-taking shithead?"

"Uhhh..... No. I haven't."
2:45 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

8 Comments:

October 18, 2005 8:20 AM, Blogger Windjammer said...

Funny you should mention Katrina ribbons, Steve. I don't think we'll see those, but I happen to know that there are blue rubber Katrina wristbands for sale at Hallmark stores. I don't think they've been selling too well.

 
October 18, 2005 8:34 AM, Blogger Mishka said...

I am so over the rubber wrist bands...those are as bad as the ribbons on the cars...I saw a girl the other day with about 4 of them on one arm...I guess that will get her in to Heaven (if there was one).

 
October 18, 2005 2:10 PM, Blogger Windjammer said...

I do have a couple ribbons on my car, one says welcome home 4th I.D., the second says support magnetic ribbons. I gues I think I'm being witty.

 
October 19, 2005 8:52 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

I like the look of the new blog...that was very amusing the sad part is that people really do think like that...that said, do you think I can get in on the Katrina ribbon thing? I believe you have a winner there...

 
October 19, 2005 11:00 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

For a limited time only get your own little piece of Katrina/Rita!
Humanitarian Daily Rations
only $19.99 each!
Collect the whole set!
Mmmm... once a food gift from the United States, now a souvenior to commemorate this historic hurrican season.

Coming soon... Wilma Water Bottles!

 
October 19, 2005 3:19 PM, Blogger The Everglades said...

I love it:

"...bespectacled oatmunching assholes..."

I've been an asshole myself and haven't been 'round these parts for a week or so. I love the new design you've got going here. And your hilarity still reigns supreme.

Blake

 
October 19, 2005 4:50 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

tinfoil viking science got a facelift and it looks so purrdddyyy

 
October 19, 2005 9:42 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

I'd've e-mailed this, but I haven't got your address. Since you were good enough to respond to my question, you get an invite...

I'm moving. Sort of... Not really. Kind of...

Truthmakefret is going to continue to act as a journal or diary, but it'll probably cease being of interest to anybody but me. The good stuff'll be going here: http://www.monstersarcasmrally.typepad.com/30yearoldvirgin/

I'm inviting regular readers of truthmakefret who don't know me in the real world. Please don't mention the new site on MSR.

Hold onto your pants, kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

 

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