Monday, October 17, 2005
"We got everybody here?"
"Yeah, go ahead. What kind of disgusting filth are you proposing today?"
"Money. It's always about money. It's about misleading the general public and taking advantage of their desperate need to feel like they're actually making a difference. It's about abusing labor laws by hiring illegal immigrants. It's about turning a quick buck before disappearing into the night."
"Okay. I like it already. Who's our target?"
"Well, let me lay it out for you. I'm talking merchandising. I was kicking myself for missing out on those irritating flag bumper stickers after 9/11 and the yellow ribbons for the troops after the second Gulf War began. Those are cold right now, but the lavender breast cancer ribbons are still selling a lot, and I haven't seen a single Katrina ribbon yet. We might not be too late for Katrina - people still have a raging erection for ribbons in general, and nowadays they don't care if their so-called donation actually reaches a victim- they just want to slap something on their bumper and pat themselves on the back. Katrina's hot right now. What color should we use? I was thinking green or blue. What phrase? Support Katrina Relief? Hurricane Katrina Donator? Maybe we should shoehorn the word "victim" in there somewhere. They like that. Think about it.
"The word is donor, not donator, Steve."
"Right, donor. Excellent. I've marked that down. Moving right along. We'll come back to ribbons. Next item. The White Sox are in the World Series. Cool, right? I agree. I was watching the postgame coverage last night after they won, and snuck in between the camera shots of plastered south side fans at 115 Bourbon Street in Merrionette Park and the boring player interviews full of vacant platitudes and rah-rah giddiness, they showed a shot of some Mexican laborers hand-stitching embroidered World Series patches to caps and shirts. We need to capitalize. We have thousands of unregistered aliens slinking through Chicago, haunting the day labor pools, ecstatic at the notion of raking in two bucks an hour unreported to Uncle Sam. Let's get them sewing. I want cheap garb that we can sell in bulk to gas stations, mom and pop groceries, ballpark merchandise stands, places like that. Let's offload some overpriced garbage and take advantage of the baseball euphoria. I figure this has to be worth a couple grand to us just this week alone. The key here is to find cheap plain black t-shirts get poor sweatshop laborers grinding this shit out. Right now. ASAP. I'm a week late, as usual, I know, but it's not too late if we act now.
"Wouldn't screen-printing be cheaper than embroidery? Let's be realistic here."
"Brilliant thought! Screen printing! Hell, we can even go the iron-on route and spend even less. Lovely. I've marked that down, too. Last and definitely least: A middling notion, but worth a mention. This one is less urgent. You all know the phrase "Shit Happens," right? So what about "Excrement Happens?" It's far too clever for its own good. I think the hipsters will eat it up. We can print it on hemp t-shirts. Not only can Christians get a nice clean chuckle wearing it, but so can the yuppie types. It's like the Nix/on, Nix/off shirts, only not nearly as clever. Can't you just imagine a bunch of bespectacled oatmunching assholes pointing to this slogan on their chests, saying "Get it? It's like shit happens, except it says excrement instead." I know, not funny. But that's exactly the point. It's for idiots. All three of these products are for idiots. They fork over their scabby money and we're rolling in cocaine for a month. Who's with me?"
"I like them all, Steve. But... um... How are we going to fund production? Who has to go sell this stuff, and if that's me, what's my cut? What are the details of the actual budgeting? Have you got any quotes from suppliers yet? Thought about any of that, you crude shameless advantage-taking shithead?"
"Uhhh..... No. I haven't." 2:45 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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Ramshackle Ambush Part One
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Gilroy's Afternoon Hallucination
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