Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Seeking Bulldozer Rentals


Elgin, Illinois was designed by moonshine addled muskrat poachers. The urban architecture, that is to say, the layout of the streets, is a bucketful of dumb. An assload of stupid. Those primitive jello-brained mammal rapists laid these streets out like a drunken spiderweb.

I like triangles. I like serrated knives. I like panel siding. Jagged edges are useful and often fun. This statement does not apply to urban planning. I don't like seven intersections in a trapezoid that sport stoplights timed to cause gridlock, forcing frustrated seniors to abandon their vehicles and hobble to the riverboat to gamble away their pensions before hurling themselves overboard into the murk to sink like illegally dumped garbage bags to the bottom of that polluted river. If I wanted to go fishing for spare dentures, I'd cast a line there.

This busy little hilly conglomeration of suburban fuck has single lanes on most streets. The avenues and boulevards crest up and down over hills, curbless. They're jammed with single file cars far beyond the horizon. Great chunks have been shattered from the pavement by rickety freight trucks with imbalanced cargo. During rain, these holes fill up with water, and in the few places traffic is light, the desperate zooming cars shoot tidal waves into the oncoming lanes. I had my window cracked as I drove, and one such wave broke on my face.

When, inevitably, you become lost, the local rubes gurgling ketchup at a McDonald's nested within a gas station will give directions that betray the contents of their skulls as pudding.

"Excuse me miss, which way is St. Charles Road?"

"I uh... It's uh..." She was looking around, hapless and confused, when a booming voice assaulted me from behind. I turned to look. Holy shit. Strom Thurmond is back. They resurrected him, and now he's a salesman for 7-UP.

"St. Charles Road? Shore, shore, thass rot ovuh theyuh young man."

"Um, you're pointing at the sky. I don't have a plane. Which way?"

"Jess drive yonda down Spring Avenue, take a rot by the Sunoco, an when ya see the yella house, drive between the pines in the front yaad. Go through the living room, over the back porch, down throo that ol culvert, and whip snap daddy, you dere."

"Fuck you. Fuck you very much, and fuck your backwards little fuckpit. I hope the undercooked frogs your wife is cooking for dinner have gangrene. I hope you get cancer."

"Dang. Sufferin succotash."

"Eat my fuck."

I'm going to arson school this fall.
4:29 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

3 Comments:

September 28, 2005 9:09 PM, Blogger deadpan said...

First of all, congrats on the publication and e-publication. You deserve it.

Secondly - I always enjoy your writing, but don't feel the need to tell you. I just quietly cheer from afar. In this case, however, I thought I'd tell you that I'm hereby adopting the following phrases into my personal lexicon (just in case I ever make it to the bench, so that I can impose my rhetoric on poor hapless lawyers):

"A bucketful of dumb", a "conglomeration of suburban fuck" and anything that "betrays the contents of [one's] skull as pudding".

Future lawyers everywhere thank you.

 
September 29, 2005 8:42 AM, Blogger Trendon vs the World said...

Eat my fuck?!

First of all, I am taxing that line. Secondly, that had me laughing my ass off.

Thank you again for making me laugh my ass off.

 
September 29, 2005 10:22 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thanks, Lessa. I look forward to the day courtroom drama television shows emulate such language. Ratings will skyrocket.

My pleasure, Trendon.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
No Paper This Time
Archival Doubleheader
Juvenile Imbecility
Alleyway Ribcage Rumble
Shoot Straight You Bastards!
Drop Ceiling Cemetary
Penny Dreadful Part Three
Penny Dreadful Part Two
Penny Dreadful Part One
Dead Letter Shrapnel - Sid
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016