Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Fucking Hostile



Do you believe in hate at first sight? Of course you do, you misanthropic vandals. I sure do.

I'm working the evening shift this week. This schedule placed my butt squarely in an executive swivel chair during the third game of the World Series. While testing the limits of human pizza consumption, I decided to stay past shift's end at ten so I wouldn't miss a single pitch. Afterwards, I would depart and fly east to some dodgy nightclub event my friends have been hyping for weeks. When the 11th inning rolled over and midnight approached, I resigned my perch and went to my car. I expected the game would still be playing when I reached my destination.

When I arrived at Cherry Red a little past midnight, the obnoxiously red club was sparsely populated. A small group of baseball fans huddled in one corner, where the game was playing on mute. Before I could join them, I tackled a crucially important task: getting a nice fizzy gin & tonic.

I leaned on the bar and signaled the bartender. He was a short little guy with spiky short blond hair that was messy in a carefully calculated way. His eyes were far too large for his tiny head and they bulged out of their sockets like throbbing hemorrhoids. The expression on his face was that of a nauseated frog. I knew immediately that I hated this man and wanted him to implode or evaporate or get smeared to the asphalt by a very large vehicle.

I was raised to be polite, cordial, and kind. I concealed my disdain (or so I thought) and waited patiently for the amphibian to serve his previous customers. He saw my wave and turned away with nary an acknowledgement. Customers sidled up to the other end of the bar and he stood there, chatting with them, studiously avoiding my beseeching gaze.

I was missing precious baseball. Not acceptable. I traveled down the bar to where he stood idle and ordered my drink with a volume impossible to ignore. "Gin & Tonic, double lime, thanks!"

He frowned and wearily poured me a weak drink. "Three bucks." He feigned being far too exhausted to be bartending the likes of me. Poor baby. I'm not exactly sure how a bartender with ten customers in his whole joint can work up a head of arrogant superiority, but he managed. Wow. I really hated this fucking guy.

Next, I imposed upon him for a round of shots and beers for my friends. He sighed. Such hard work, tipping bottles.

So I'm watching the game. My head is craned upwards to the highmounted little television. That little shit swooped in and snatched my unfinished drink away. I ordered another and asked him to let me finish this one.

"If you ask for a second drink, I'm gonna assume your first is finished, man. That's why I took it."

"No. It was already gone when I ordered this one. I'll hold this one in my hands."

"Whatever."

At 1:30am, in the 14th inning, the White Sox finally won the baseball game. The supercilious cuntface lined up free shots for everybody at the bar. Except me. Steam may have hissed from my ears. I'll have to check eyewitness accounts.

I asked for my tab. I pocketed my credit card and signed the bottom of the paper slip. I thought about leaving no tip, but I decided a single dollar tip on a tab that size would scream "fuck you" in fifty-foot tall neon letters. Yes.

I was right. As I walked to the exit, he ran from behind the bar and followed me to the door. He grabbed me by the shoulder and I spun around, wondering which friend I had neglected to give a goodbye.

"Here." He held a crumpled dollar towards me. I took it. "Don't come back." I realized he had just returned my hateful meager gratuity. My message had been received, loud and clear, 10-4, Roger Roger.

I responded with a booming voice that pierced through the techno music. "I won't. Fuck you." The whole bar turned to look at me as I left.

I walked down Sheffield. In a great mood.
5:17 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

14 Comments:

October 27, 2005 1:51 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Solid Steve. Here's to you, your Sox and the cessation of ancient curses.

 
October 27, 2005 7:44 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

What a little asshole. I've been in places where the bartenders won't wait on you and it is enough to make you rip the bar out of the floor. I'm getting mad just thinking about it...

 
October 27, 2005 10:40 AM, Anonymous red said...

Next time, Steve, one cent tip. I know the dollar sent the message, but that was still waaaay toooo much. I bartend on the side, and if there's one thing that goes up my ass sideways, it's when the other bartenders cater to the regulars only, we just canned a barmaid for that. A good bartender knows that catering too ALL the customers will create more regulars. Besides, there's something funny about any "man" that spends THAT much time on his hair!! sigh...thanks for letting me vent, you hit a sore spot there.

 
October 27, 2005 10:48 AM, Anonymous red said...

sorry for taking up so much space. oops.

 
October 27, 2005 11:50 AM, Blogger Nobody special said...

Glad you put that monkey back in his place you alphamale lol.

 
October 27, 2005 2:23 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Take all the space you like, red. The internet is infinite.

 
October 27, 2005 6:28 PM, Blogger natalie said...

you're my hero... here's one for putting condescending little shitbags back in their place and one for the sox. life is sweet.

 
October 27, 2005 7:37 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

what a tool i hate that shit.

 
October 27, 2005 10:09 PM, Blogger BeckEye said...

Heh heh. Any blonde spiky haired male bartender is guaranteed to be an asswipe.

I've been ignored by female bartenders many a time. I'm usually the type who won't say anything or cause a scene but one time this tawdry little over-made up hooker wannabe was working the bar at a club and she kept walking by me, even though I was holding my money out for her to plainly see. She just kept waiting on the guys. So finally, some dude sidles up next to me and she comes back and gives him the little I want to blow you smile and asks "what can I get ya?". So I butted in and go, "I don't know about him but I'd like a fucking penis so you'll take my fucking order". She gave me a "tsk" and an annoyed look followed by a feeble, "I didn't see you there". Whatever. Obviously she got no tip. And I waited tables/bartended for YEARS and am known as a generous tipper. Not with bitches like that though.

 
October 28, 2005 2:19 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Christ, what a prick. I'm glad you told me the name of the place so that I can boycott it in solidarity!

 
October 28, 2005 10:28 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I feel your pain man. I'm always willing to wait my turn and tip well, but when the bartender starts ignoring me so he can talk to Muffy about garden party, it's going to turn ugly. If he starts waiting on people who came in after me, blood spills.

I think you handled the whole thing perfectly. What a douche.

 
October 28, 2005 2:18 PM, Blogger Stace said...

WHAT A DOUCHE!!!

 
October 28, 2005 4:15 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

I am wondering if you knew each other in a past life to have that much animosity on both sides...he obviously hated you from first look too...

I think you did the right thing, at least he got the point.

 
October 29, 2005 6:35 PM, Blogger Basho said...

I actually bought a strap-on in hopes of getting served by Hillary Skank, one of our local "serve only men" whores.

I ended up getting thrown out for my efforts. That shit pisses me off. Humorless bitch.

 

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