Tinfoil Viking Science: Thursday Night Sauce Club

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Thursday Night Sauce Club

I don't subscribe to premium channels, but I am now marginally aware that HBO broadcasts a program called Entourage in which a bunch of leeches and starfuckers cling to a moderately famous person. These fawning whores help the fleetingly famous fuckface spend his money while they stroke his ego and absorb the leftover alcohol and attention.

To promote this stylish splash in the shallow end of the pool, HBO is encouraging people in major metropolitan centers such as New York, LA, Chicago, and Denver to get some free shit. They're handing out membership cards complete with pin numbers and signature strips. Take this, they command, strut into posh bistros, flash your card, and collect free swag like a real Hollywood star with an inflated head and a tight ass. (I'm not even sure what bistros are, but I think they're related to boutiques)

Last week, Chicagoans were encouraged to get a neck shave at some expensive hotel barber. My last haircut was on my birthday, nearly three months ago. My sideburns are Elvisesque and my pompadour is regal in splendor. Why ruin a good thing in an expensive manner? The very notion is a dual vulgarity. Therefore, I will decline to waltz into a posh buzz joint for a free neck shave and a $70 haircut. Nice marketing ploy. I'll stick to my usual discount routine and stick my head into an industrial air conditioning fan when it gets too long. The whiplash doubles as my chiropractor.

Next I was encouraged to take part in the upscale nightclub revelry of the rich and vacant. Go, they said, and drink free Absolut drinks from 9pm-12am at the Bungalow Lounge on Belmont. Well, okay. I like alcohol. How bad could this be?

My former roomie got there first with his black Entourage card. He was awarded a VIP booth and a $50 bottle of vodka for his punctuality. Not bad. I arrived later and was unsurprised to discover that I'd underdressed for the venue. The other customers wore socks that cost more than my entire wardrobe put together. Unfortunately that's not saying much, since my clothes are ragged, faded, decrepit, and old. I spend my money on car repairs and illegal drugs. I never was one for presentation, and perhaps that fuels my disdain for the extremely hip and vouger than thou crowd inhabiting this vapid den of earnest elegance. After an hour of bland jazz-hop, abstract art created by a colorblind geometry major, and upturned silk collars, I departed with my troop of lazy unemployed beatniks to a habitat more appropriate to our kind, Sheffield's. Drinks would ring up at well under $6 here. Can I get an amen and hallelujah?

Sheffiled's was packed with my kind of people. I went straight for the beer garden in back. There was no shiny clothing, few with shiny hair, dirty t-shirts, slouched postures, picnic benches, tall trees, plenty of sandals, and lots of laughter. This was a vast contrast from the refined murmuring and svelte posing within the Bungalow Lounge. I drank, I rejoiced, and I made merry with my boisterous companions. Much better.

2:05 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

10 Comments:

June 13, 2005 3:08 PM, Amanda B. said...: I will say amen and hallelujah to that.
June 13, 2005 3:41 PM, Anonymous said...: That was a good nite for me. When I got there, I got that bottle of Level Vodka, chilled. Waiting for my entourage,getting looks from everybody of why I was getting this kind of service. Finally friends show up after, groups of the entrouage card came in dissapointed of not getting the free bottle. Yes we got good treatment, The server made drinks for us and got whatever kind of mixes we want for free. After that bottle of booze we were told by hbo that we can get free absolut for another hour for free. Since the guy who we beat there was doing promotions for this card decline us for free drink tickets.
This bar was playing the worst type of music. Either play dance music or don't try to. This guys was playing , that song "a e i o u , And sometimes why".who tried mixing that track to a house track.Then play some weird sci fi jazz to another crap I can't mention because i don't want to remember.

Sheffeilds was fun. Different bar, different people. Different service. Different music. And I was able to relax and to talk to friends. Unlike the other bar.We should go back there some time before the outside closes.
June 13, 2005 3:44 PM, Other Brother said...: Dive bars and honkytonks beat the crap out of trendy nightclubs every time.
I'll take cold draft beer and a jukebox over high-dollar watered down cocktails and artsy crap music any day.
I mean, who doesn't want to get wasted for less and be able to make an ass without the authorities getting involved?
June 13, 2005 5:46 PM, EcamirG said...: me
June 14, 2005 1:57 AM, Latigo Flint said...: God bless you Steve.
June 14, 2005 8:57 AM, Dave Morris said...: Makes me wish HBO had thought about those freebie cards in conjunction with the show "Sex in the City." Fuck.
June 14, 2005 12:46 PM, Wardo said...: I can't say no to a free anything. Well...I guess I'd turn down the haircut, too. Who knows what kind of faggy 'do I'd end up with. The Absolut promotion though, that's great...I would have called in a sick day for the following day before I took off for the pub.

Rocket, can you send me an email?

thelastgunslinger@hotmail.com

-A
June 14, 2005 12:50 PM, Anonymous said...: I must concur with Other Brother. I'll take a grungy pub over an over-priced schmooze bar any day.
June 14, 2005 1:41 PM, Kerouaced said...: I become feverish and suffer bouts of vertigo whenever I near a dance floor or the trend mongers that inhabit them. Your second destination would be much more preferable...You really hammered out some nice phrases in this one too...
June 14, 2005 1:43 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: Amen and hollow leg to that.

(How many miles to the fifth do you get from Absolut?)