Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Monday, June 12, 2006

Charlie Don't Surf

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

“Steve, you there? Steve, answer!”

My Nextel was chirping. It was one of my roommates. Did I feel like answering? Surely this would be a scolding for dishes unwashed, a plea for toilet paper, or perhaps news that the whole place burned to the ground after an accident during a fart lighting contest. I answered anyways, leery, and braced for peskyness.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“I just got a pool for the ballroom.”

“Why do you need a tool? A screwdriver? A hammer? Nothing is broken. Right?”

“Not a tool, a pool! You know, splish splash?”

“A pool.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t even want an explanation for that one. I’ll be home around ten.”

I arrived to a bizarre scene in the ballroom of my residence. Dead center on the wooden floor, a shallow inflatable pool was set up. Sealed beer cans floated to and fro, bobbing like fishing lures. Two of my roommates sat on chairs along the rim, letting their gnarly feet soak and prune in the icy wetness. I spoke to the gentlemen inhabiting the surreal scene.

“Wow. A pool. Really. I’m stunned.”

“I bought it at Target this afternoon. Tom bought the air pump, and we got it blown up. Here we are! All I gotta do is trim and feed my palm trees, stand them at the corners of this bad boy, invite over a few girls, with bikinis of course, and we’re all set. Awesome, right?”

“Awesome is a weak word. Try outstanding. Or maybe spectacular. Or maybe retarded. I need to think about this. Where’s the hose? How did you get 1000 pounds of water into the middle of the ballroom?”

“Buckets. Lots of buckets. Took two hours.”

“You realize this water will only last a day, and that it’ll take four hours to empty and refill this fucker every time you want to ‘swim,’ right?”

“The water will be fine for a few days. Don’t flip about that. You’re such a pessimist.”

“There’s no chlorine, there’s enough cat hair floating in the air to weave an afghan, and our feet aren’t exactly prisitine, guys. The only way the water could get dirty faster is if we start baptizing hobos in it.”

“Cat hair won’t get in there. The cats are terrified of water. You see how Figaro reacts when I pick up the spray bottle.”

“I’m not talking about the hair still on the cats. I’m talking about the lazy sheddings that actually float through our atmosphere. I can see them when we have strong sunbeams. We are breathing cat. It is killing us slowly. That's beside the point. That hair will make this water murky and diseased. I better have a soak now while it’s still safe.”

“Well all right then. Enough of your daily shit talk. Let’s have a beer, bullshit a bit, and figure out this leukemia scam.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Two nights later I got home near midnight. All the lights in the loft were turned off, and only the dim moonlight and my muscle memory led me through my home without accidentally castrating myself or stubbing my toe on a piece of furniture. I found a light switch, sat down on the couch, and read the first few chapters of a novel about clowns, baking, and fate.

When I smelled wet dog, I knew something was wrong. We have no dogs. Just two cats and a ferret, all three of whom I consider filthy nuisances. This odor wasn't the usual ammoniated scorch that wafts from the infrequently tended litter box, but instead, it was a heavier, more humid stink. It had a long reach. I hadn’t noticed its overpowering penetration of the air upon entering due to the protective cloud of cigarette smoke that follows me around. Eventually the weak tobacco aura collapsed under the relentless assault of the new smell.

I did what any sane person would’ve done. I opened as many doors and windows as possible, cranked up a couple fans, and never thought once about discovering the origin of the stench. I strode to the bathroom to start the second chapter of my paperback and to work up a special smell of my own.

When I came out, I saw one of my roommates, Tom. He had just arrived. He was calling for me, quietly but insistently. He sounded very serious.

“Steve, look.”

“I’m coming, hold your herd.”

He was peering into the pool. I followed his eyes and saw a few beers still bobbing about. Then I walked over to his spot and looked again from his wider vantage point. There was something dead and furry floating in the corner. The ferret.

“Well, shit. So who gets to go wake him up and tell him the bad news?”

I didn't want to bear the bad news. I was hoping Tom would volunteer. He said nothing in response. Instead, he retrieved the corpse and stood there trying to imagine where he could set the soggy thing down. It was too big to flush. He looked around before asking me a question.

“Where’s a grocery bag?”

“I’ll get a shoebox. I think that’s what you’re supposed to do, put it in a shoebox and bury it. Right?”

“Just get it.”

I grabbed the old red Reebok box with the Union Jack on it and Tom plopped the dead weasel inside it. He wrapped the box in a grocery bag and set it out on the fire escape. I went and told the other roommate that one of his pets drowned in the pool.

Four days later, the pool water has not been changed, nobody has gone near that swamp, and the ferret is still on the fire escape, decomposing in a shoebox. We grilled shish kebabs out there yesterday, right next to the dead thing. I think that’s kind of weird.
3:59 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

7 Comments:

June 13, 2006 12:40 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

What an amazing post...starts out light-heartedly enough, includes the laugh-out-loud line about "baptizing hobos," works in the highly anticipated and rewarding Steve gross-out imagery, has the shocking and poignant moment of animal death (poor ferret! sniff, sniff), and ends on a surreal and disturbing note.

Fucking amazing. Why you are not currently famous and renowned, I will never know.

Oh, and boys--ditch the pool or you'll all wind up with cholera or bubonic plague or something.

 
June 13, 2006 7:35 AM, Blogger Mishka said...

Poor ferret....guess curiousity kills more than just cats, huh?

I agree with Karen, ditch that pool and soon...assuming we are not reading fiction.

 
June 13, 2006 12:35 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

Wow.

 
June 13, 2006 2:41 PM, Anonymous red said...

i'm not 100%, but i have a feeling that this isn't fiction (for the most part anyway)... you guys need a female around for sanitation purposes... or your next "mental health vacation" will be in a quarantine.... seriously. but funny story nonetheless.

 
June 13, 2006 2:56 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

This is 95% true. The other 5% is merely me condensing to avoid boring explanations, background, footnotes, that sort of bullshit.

The landlord made a surprise visit a little while ago. I'm at work, but I got a nasty phone call. He's furious about the pool. Something about liability and the chiropractor's office below us. Cats are non grata, too, apparently. We're in deep doo-doo.

 
June 14, 2006 11:45 AM, Blogger pundy said...

Hi Bottle Rocket

I just wanted to thank you for the kind comment you left on my blog the other day. You really sustained me in my early days of blogging and I'm so glad you're still around.

Your blog is awesome incidentally. Good luck.

 
June 14, 2006 3:24 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Well, definitely keep us updated...this may just be stranger than your fiction.

God bless roomies, huh?

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Over The Radar
Public & Personal
Amputated Soul
A Partial
I Hate Television (1-1-2)
On Myspace
I Hate Television (1-1-1)
The Slush Bucket #5
For 1776
?
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016