Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Amputated Soul

Are any of these moping droop-shouldered state employees real people?

In today’s installment of fact or fiction, I will infiltrate the local DMV complex and put this myth to the test. Common knowledge holds that state employees, particularly in Chicago and the surrounding environs, are all connected people who landed their employment via family connections. That’s right, graft and corruption.

Yes, nepotism! Uncle Richie works for the Secretary Of State? Then it follows that Richie’s felon nephew and whore ex-wife inevitably got hooked up, and now work in the menial service jobs, enjoying the state’s inflated salaries and spectacular benefits. Despite this good fortune, they don’t think they should have to work AT ALL for living, and the resentment leads to them treating their citizen customers like sidewalk chewing gum. The Department Of Motor Vehicles is full of lazy disgruntled scumfucks, dirty ugly people that wield their meager authority with the grace and precision of a spastic with a sledgehammer.

That’s not the myth, that’s just accepted and tolerated fact. The myth, the urban legend, the dark secret lurking beneath, is this: these are not the inbred relatives of higher up state employees, but instead, robots. Automatons. Machines programmed to treat us with scorn and disdain.

I arrived early in the afternoon at the Schaumburg location next to the record store. My driver’s license and plate stickers have been expired for eighteen days now. Until my mission was completed, I was risking $75 tickets and being hauled out of my car and detained in jail by lock-jawed state troopers.

I walked up to the counter.

“I need to renew my license, my state ID, and get a new license plate sticker.”

“Sticker first. Take this number. Sit there.”

He pointed. At no time did any semblance of human emotion steal across his face. No gleam of humanity glimmered upon the surface of his eyes. No inflection colored his voice. Dead monotone. I forgot to check if his eyelids blinked or fluttered, but I doubt they did. Score one point for the cyborg theory.

I sat in my assigned section and waited for fifteen minutes. When my number was called, I strode to the counter and spoke.

“I need to renew my sticker.”

“License plate number?”

I gave it. My phone rang. I took the call. It was a coworker requesting information. Extensive information. I began to relay it to him. The teller scolded me.

“You tell him you’ll call him back. You’re in a state office. Understand?”

She tilted her head down so she could stare at me over the top of her bifocals. Her eyes said the rest. Allow me to speak for her eyes.

“Impertinent, disrespectful, self-important, inconsiderate, horrible little bastard. Who do you think you are? You’re in my zone now. You play by my rules or I’ll grind you into meal. Don’t fuck with me, kiddo. I chew up and spit out members of younger generations, and I’m not gonna stop now. Just give me an excuse. One excuse. I’ll make you regret being born.”

I spoke into my cell. “I’ll call you back in a sec. I’m at the DMV.”

She looked unsatisfied, sighed, then quoted me the price. “Seventy-eight.” She did not say dollars, or bucks, or dineros, or smackeroos, or cheese, or please. Just “seventy-eight.” I appreciate word economy. Result: Subtract one point from the cyborg theory. She was real. I’m pretty sure.

Next up was my driver's license renewal. A spherical woman with short hair and stubby legs encased in tight leggings straddled a chair at the busiest counter.

"Can I keep the expired licenses?"

"No, state law, we throw 'em out. Why do you want it?"

"It's the only picture of myself with long hair that I've got."

"I'll chop the picture off. Rest has to be mulched."

"Mulched. Right. Biodegradable. I'm an organ donor, by the way. I heard on the radio that I need to re-register for that. Exclude the liver, though. That would be cruel."

"All or nothing, sweetie."

"That's fine then. I pity the poor sap who tries to function with my soaked liver transplanted into his fragile gut cavity. Pancreas is pretty good, though."

"You're funny." She wasn't laughing. "Step over to the cashier, please."

Score one for the humans. Current tally: 2 for humans, 1 for robots.

The cash counter was helmed by a spindly crone with a twitch. A bug in her software?

"That'll be thirty dollars."

I heard gears grinding. Was it just natural human creakiness, a byproduct of arid menopause, or something mechanical, an ungreased clockwork on its shuddering march to an inevitable halt? Were robots cheaper to replace than repair? Was she an ancient prototype, and her overlords were extracting every last jerk of productivity from her rickety frame? I heard a click. Something was failing. Definitely a robot.

I went over to the photo check-in. It was time to have new pictures taken, photos I'd be stuck with for another four years. I had not shaved or had a recent haircut. I was bedraggled. Perfect.

Imagine a very fat man sitting at a counter in front of a computer terminal. Imagine the lip of the counter presses into his stomach horizontally right across the belly button, causing his lardy gut to squeeze out both above and below the counter. He was locked to it, Tetris tight. That was him. His face was pitted and cruel. His elbows rested upon the gut portion spilling out atop the counter. His fat stubby fingers frequently pressed several letters at once, requiring him to backspace and retype with his pinky, which was still almost too big to press a single key. I could hear grease bubbles popping as he spoke, reddish orange burrito grease simmering in his esophagus.

"Where's the rest of the old card? I can't give you a new license without the rest of the old one."

I reluctantly withdrew the long hair piece of license that the spherical woman had clipped for me. I handed it over to him.

"Who did this? One of the ladies over there? It's against state law. Which one?"

I dropped eye contact and stared at his gut, which shook like jello when he spoke. I remained silent. I would not sell out the few remaining humans to a cyborg fat fuck like this guy.

"Go siddown and wait for your name to be called." I heard the sound of air hissing from a tiny hole in a tire, then I smelled milk fart. His robot pudding body had farted quietly, threatening carbon monoxide detectors throughout the facility. I backed away slowly and sat in the waiting area. Despite the biological evidence, I decided Billy Buttcake was a robot, too.

Among those I dealt with, I believe 3 to be born of factories and two born from vaginas.

We are in danger. If this experiment works to the state's satisfaction, policemen will be next.
1:29 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


May 23, 2006 2:09 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

The same robot models work in the passport office here.

May 23, 2006 2:15 PM, Anonymous Carolyn said...

Thats so accurate. I think that same fatty did my last license last November. Felt like I was right there with ya.

May 23, 2006 3:27 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

Don't you love how they all know the rules and follow them...if it wasn't allowed then why did the first lady let you keep the picture. I would be so much happier with government offices if they could just be consistent...tell me what I need to bring and then do your job. Nothing more, nothing less.

May 23, 2006 6:55 PM, Blogger Nobody special said...

I'm with you on the robot theory. Since my very first license at 16, I get the same blue haired lady at every renewal. She has never aged. She's a 65yr old, emotionless hag forever.

"Stand on the x. Look at the X!"
Fuck ok! I look down and I'm right on the god damned x.


May 23, 2006 11:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The robot theory could explain the decrease of shootings at government buildings.

May 24, 2006 10:25 AM, Anonymous andy said...

I HATE those a-holes at those offices. It's impossible. Impossible. Why does it have to suck so hard? I also want to point out that my drivers license says I live in "Chciago." You'd think they'd have a damned button that would type Chicago since I was fucking IN CHICAGO.

May 24, 2006 12:21 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Ugh, that brings back memories of the last horrible time that I had to go to the DMV (the one in Niles) to get my Illinois driver's license. It essentially took me the entire day, and although I mostly got the emotionless automatons, I remember distinctly one DMV employee tackling a language barrier with a member of the public by speaking slowly, loudly, and with a really sarcastic voice.

The last time I renewed my license, registration, etc., I just did it online. A HUGE improvement over the DMV experience.

May 25, 2006 10:02 AM, Anonymous red said...

oh yeah??? last week, my boss had me bring our "illegal alien" to the RMV so I could play translator (He's Brazillian, speaks portuguese), as if the people there don't hate you enough, and w/ the whole illegal immigrant issues lately...that was fun, real fun.

May 26, 2006 6:22 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

Man, I've had licenses from three different states in the last five months. I wish I could have kept them all. "This license is suspended? Here - try Maryland." "Maryland revoked? Here's Florida." I have an ID card - just a generic ID. There's a fake ID out there that I 'loaned' to somebody. There's so much paper on me - sheeit.

Those admin workers in there - they're like nails that have been beaten on by every fucker out there.

June 15, 2006 6:12 PM, Blogger Linds said...

"He was locked to it, Tetris tight."

Had me almost shooting my sprite out of my nose. Nicely written, Steve.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

A Partial
I Hate Television (1-1-2)
On Myspace
I Hate Television (1-1-1)
The Slush Bucket #5
For 1776
Lazy Bullshit
For Dotage
Breathe Part Two
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016