Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Blue And Green

Cops give the best advice on getting away with crimes!All hail the gateway drug!Milwaukee Avenue is full of dodgy retail outlets!

I was drinking four dollar pitchers of MGD at the local watering hole last night. I found one patron's anecdote especially funny, so I've stolen it and worked it into a first person confessional narrative, my preferred method of written communication.

I was walking up Milwaukee Avenue when a squad car pulled up to the curb right beside me. I kept moving, nonchalantly, hoping the cops had any business other than me.

Two cops sprung from the car, guns drawn, pointed at me.

“On the ground, now, slowly!”

Guns are scary. I didn’t ask questions. I obeyed. I laid down among the litter and old chewing gum, face down, my limbs splayed, making me an X on the sidewalk. I risked a look at the cops. They started shouting questions.

“You armed?”


“Empty your pockets onto the sidewalk. Slowly!”

I pulled out my wallet, cigarettes, lighter, fare card, and a quarter ounce of low grade marijuana.

“What’s this?”

“Weed, sir.”

One scooped my wallet from the sidewalk and opened it. He read my name and license number to the other cop, who ran it through his dashboard computer. My name came back with two outstanding felony warrants. One was a DUI in Lake County, and the other was for failure to appear in court for the same violation. They’d impounded the Mustang I was driving that day, which I’d stolen, but the theft had gone unreported. Apparently the owner still hadn’t called the cops about it, because they'd never have let me walk on grand theft auto.

“You shoot a guy up at Foster then ditch the gun? Five minutes ago? Did you?”


He looked at the other cop and asked “You wanna bring this guy in?”

“On that DUI bullshit? No. Waste of fucking time.” He looked down at the bag of weed in his hands, which he’d picked up, then at me. “You got anything more than this weed? Any coke?”

“No, sir.”

“Jesus shit. Come on, let’s go. Get the fuck out of here, kid.”

I was still lying on my stomach, my head craned up uncomfortably to watch the police. The cop with the weed threw it at me. The baggie bounced off my forehead. I felt dumb.

I asked, “What do I do with that?”

He laughed. “Smoke it, you fucking hippie.” They left.

That’s the fifth time Chicago cops have thrown my weed at me.

4:36 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


June 22, 2006 2:41 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

Damn. Slackness. I'm sure you feel safe from murderers.

Did you make a citizens arrest? I would have made a citizens confiscation of his weed.

June 26, 2006 3:02 PM, Anonymous waaaa-leeta said...

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyeaah..they busted up a weed-filled party of mine in ROgers park a couple years back - for being too loud. As they fanned the marijuana smoke-filled air they told me to "keep it down" and left.

Gotta love gang problems, murder, and all things city-crime related. They keep the cops off us f*cking hippies.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Marinara Geyser
I Hate Television (1-1-3)
Charlie Don't Surf
Over The Radar
Public & Personal
Amputated Soul
A Partial
I Hate Television (1-1-2)
On Myspace
I Hate Television (1-1-1)
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016