Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Busy Fizz Hippo


"Chug it!"

"Naw, gimme a sec. I'm feelin sour. Gotta breathe."

"Fuck that! You have a duty to your peers. Pound that syrupy bastard. Jager's good for you. Lotsa vitamins and minerals."

"I really don't-"

"Now! Chug it! No excuses!"

Don't sumbit to peer pressure. Consider yourself a leader, a rock, an impenetrable wall of stubborn willpower. Don't allow yourself to be swept away by the tides of idiocy. Leave those duties to your associates. Instead, choose unique, iconoclastic forms of idiocy that you conjure yourself.

"Chug it yourself, you swollen prick."

Don't provoke tall swarthy drunken louts. Travel the path of least resistance, swerving past obstacles and confrontations like an oiled snake. Why start yelling and shoving? Why discuss somebody's mother when you've never met her before? Such a course of action is bound to end in blood and shattered teeth.

"Did you just call me a prick?"

Break your rules every once in a while. Spice up your life, as a fast food commerical might say. Let impulse and nihlism light the sky. Damn the torpedoes.

"I did, but I didn't mean it. What I meant to call you was a boorish, bumbling, bloated sack of liquid hyena shit. You can take that Jagermeister and wipe your mother clean with it. Lord knows she needs sanitization. Now fuck off."

My jaw still feels sore today, and I think one of my ribs is dangling loose, scraping a kidney when I walk. I hope I inflicted some permanant damage before I lost consciousness. I woke up on the sidewalk with cigarette butts rammed up my nose and hard liqour splashed all over me. I thought for a moment that I was a Vietnam vet and my methadone must've run out, but then I saw my car and remembered I'm too young for that. My darling amnesia deserted me again.

Drink lots of water. It's good for you. Flushes you out. Go on, chug it.
2:11 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

4 Comments:

January 03, 2006 6:39 PM, Blogger Belldoorlover said...

I'm gonna say that next time a friend forces that shot on me. They're girls, they won't hit me but they might cry. Hey it could be fun! Good Advice!

 
January 03, 2006 8:36 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

Some mama jokes are so damn respectable, you just gotta let them go.

 
January 04, 2006 12:23 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

I have found that no story that involves Jaegermeister has a happy ending.

 
January 04, 2006 12:51 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

I might have had that same experience on New Years Eve...

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
The Early Vultures
Survey Says
Beware The Cameras
Leather Nuggets / Secret Sauce
Drowning Practice
Four AM Smear
Snowstorm Jubilee 2005
White Sky Black Street
No Outlet Yield
Drunk Kickboxer
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016