Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Thursday, January 23, 2003

World Yodeling Champions

It's time to put on my tinfoil viking hat and act crazy again. That means I get to write another journal entry! Can I get a hallelujah? Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah amen supercalifragilisticexpealidocious?

Set down the pixie sticks and step back from keyboard, son. No quick movements, and keep your hands where I can see them.

My hair froze this morning. I should've dried it better. Cold has expanded all the metals and everything shreiks. The doors to the building sound like the jaws of life. Strangely enough, no snot. No cold, no sniffle, no sinus boogeymen. I am as healthy as Dr. Ruth with Centrum and Astroglide. Except a lot younger and male. Probably better eyesight too, come to think of it.

Did you know that Tombstone produces a line of pizzas called All-American Flavors? I cooked up a meatball pizza yesterday. It was damn good, even if the thing looked like jumbo fuzzy rat turds on a wet plate. I eat a lot of foods that are visually offensive. My big sister thinks that gumbo looks like diarrhea, so when she's there I glue a shrimp tail to my chin with the brown broth. Then I slurp and leer at her like a toothless hobo. She loves that. Actually she's properly revolted, but her husband enjoys the spectacle. He likes dead baby jokes too. I like him. Next time I'm going to pantomime putting the bowl under the table and "refilling" it. As long as I don't spill. We're big fans of intestinal humor at my folks' household. You should see what I can do with mashed potatoes and gravy.

I have been offered a job with the police scam crew. If I get unemployment I can work this job unreported, under "fuck uncle sam" instead of the 1040. I like that idea. It's like a sodomy of Christ, but better. Can't you just see Charleton Heston with a stars and stripes Uncle Sam top hat, bent over and whinnying like a horse while Fidel Castro reams his old gnarled ass out with a hockey stick? Bombs away, Uncle Sam! Colon stretching time! I can just see Fidel cackling through cigar smoke with his cute little green hat spinning atop his head like a dreidel on rocket fuel. Feel free to substitue Saddam with a beret if that imagery pleases you more. Go ahead, I don't mind.

So I heard that Pete Townsend is in trouble for chilld pornography. I'll bet he was going to photoshop the heads of Dick Cheney and Curious George W. Bush onto them for his next solo album liner notes. It would be a marvelous political statement. Exhibit A: Dicky and Bushy doodling their dinkies in a puddle of crude oil. Exhibit B: Dicky teaches Bushy to apply lipstick and mascara. Exhibit C: Fun with diapers, hershey's syrup, and baby oil.

You get the idea. Art should be provocative.

Well, I guess I'm not so grown up after all. Enough for them to lock me up in Gauntanemo Bay without a trial, though.

I no longer think I'm qualified to write editorials. I am qualified to pee on statues, at least.
2:59 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
How To Disappear Completely
Mundane (Ignore)
It's been Sixteen Days Since I Don't Know When
Everybody Plays The Fool, Sometimes, There's No Ex...
In The Jingle Jangle Morning I Come Following You
Just Say Whoa
Cheap Lipstick
...And When I Die And They Lay Me To Rest, I'm Gon...
I'm Not A Sinner, I Never Sin, I Got A Friend In J...
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016