Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Monday, January 13, 2003

Just Say Whoa

My tummy is rumbling like a garbage disposal full of coffee grounds and turkey bones. I'm pouring syrupy sweet Red Bull atop the compost pile in my stomach, and hopefully my next cancer stick will inspire some movement, for good or ill.

Enough about biology.

I delivered a pizza to a group of stoned waterheads the other day. A guy with a Grateful Dead t-shirt answered the door, coughing, his bloodshot eyes magnified by his glasses. He looked like a fish. A girl yelled "Don't tip him! ha ha ha!" She was obviously joking. I told him his total. He fumbled with his crumpled cash, eyeing it vacantly. Then, like a dog returning a stick, he tried handing me different combinations of the bills. Watching me, seeking approval. His total was 21.95, so I simplified it to 22. He gave me no tip after I pulled $22 from his hands. He looked up at me with an infantile blinking. "Okay?" "Yeah. Here, take the pizza." A bong bubbled somewhere in the house. I left disgruntled, with no tip.

Don't smoke marijuana, kids. You'll become a drooling imbecile that enjoys Chinese water torture music like Pink Floyd. Your brain will become a gong beaten slowly. Eventually you'll speak in slow-motion and end every sentence with "dude" or "man." Your mother will be disappointed and your father will be embarrassed. Your dog will walk you. You'll laugh at commercials starring children pretending to be adults. You'll buy lava lamps. If you're going to abuse drugs, try the ones that'll make you interesting.

I have a massaging showerhead. Instead of the regular shower sprinkle, I can set it for five pulsing water lazers. I aim this into my ears, up my nose, and down my throat. It makes me choke and spaz, but it dislodges popcorn shells from teeth even better than a toothbrush, and it boxes my uvulva like a punching bag. That's more valuable than it sounds. Since I smoke a pack a day, I need a lot of torque to powerwash the tar. If you intend to purchase something fancy and luxurious like this, be warned that it's easy to bruise your eyeballs if your aim strays for even a moment.

I was discussing eggs with the roomie and his girl last night, and I've decided to make a special breakfast. In the beginning of The Neverending Story, Bastion's dad puts vodka, orange juice, and a raw egg into a blender. I think that's a great idea and I intend to try it. My current favorite is runny eggs on toast. Something about the combo of melted butter and bleeding yolk makes for a satisfying eating experience. The roomie's girl says she can make a tye-dye sunny-side up egg with food coloring. I'm a bit frightened by this, but I will try it if she's not bluffing. The last food I enjoyed that colorful was Fruity Pebbles, and that was a long time ago.

Have a nice Monday.
11:55 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Cheap Lipstick
...And When I Die And They Lay Me To Rest, I'm Gon...
I'm Not A Sinner, I Never Sin, I Got A Friend In J...
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
Dear Oldies Station Hiring Manager
Sleep Well Minstrel Boy
Dear Vic Theatre Proprietors
Auld Lang Syne
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016