Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Saturday, April 03, 2010

Protracted Bildungsroman


She turned me down.

I laid it all out there tonight. I rang her bell at 2am. Invited inside, I witnessed her friends snorting coke and fucking one another indiscriminately. Casual orgies polluted my peripheral vision, but I remained focused on her. She and I ignored the drug/fuck fiends.

She had more important issues on her mind. She was depressed. (She always is.) I praised her virtues, tried to give practical advice, or inspiration, or whatever qualifies for those categories. I tried to be good for her.

They all left.

She put on magnificent stockings and pranced around, working her Swedish ancestry for all it was worth. Great legs. We talked for hours. I know everything she won't tell anyone else. I know her better than anyone. Maybe we're too honest with one another. Entirely possible. So I told her the truth. She looked at me sideways.

I chased her before, a year ago. She said no. I should've stopped there.

After that, I wanted to give her the cold shoulder to protect myself, but every time she rang my bell, I opened my door.

Eventually she chased me back, half-heartedly. Things happened, but I was just an intermission. I got attached. She cut that off. I was naive, baffled. I sequestered myself.

One day, she showed up, ready, hands on. I was skeptical. Skittish. I said no. (I wouldn't accept her all drugged up and desperate and emotionally bare, no matter how much I wanted her) I wouldn't fuck her cheaply, even if it was her birthday.

Tonight was the last chance. We really connected. (in my pathetic mind) I'll be moving away at the end of the month. Time to put up or shut up. So I said it. All of it. She had this look on her face, like she'd just shit her pants. Not what I was hoping for. Turns out I'm just an also ran, no matter how much (I think) we connect.


Okay. Bye. I've always stood alone before, so it's no big departure now. I'm not gonna bleed. I know better than that.

I'll miss her. Maybe one day we'll cross paths again, but I hope not.

During the short walk home I saw Klieg* lights behind a neighbor's front yard fence. Two Colombia College students had a blue tarp covering the little front yard. Upon interrogation, I learned they were filming a student project, a short film about a frustrated granddaughter and her Alzheimer's stricken granddad. I exclaimed jealously, wishing I had a role in their early AM activity, but alas, I did not. I continued down the last twenty steps of the sidewalk until I reached home, alone, primed for one last whiskey.

Here I am, one man, a keyboard, and a penchant for confession.

I'm bewildered. I think I'll just never get it.

When I left, she looked heartbroken to see me walk away. I just don't understand anything.

<*Klieg is an exaggeration>
6:43 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


June 12, 2010 3:13 PM, Blogger staticwarp said...

heartbroken because she doesnt have a guy to string along and kick around anymore. women are insane.

the word verification i have to type in is "istevenl". you are surrounded by an i and an l in trying to keep away the spammists. are those lower case letters helping or hindering? i wonder these things, surrounded by empty cans, bottles, overflowing ashtrays and microwave dinner containers, absent from school for the third day in a row and wondering why i'm in such a rut lately.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Human Physiology Lecture Bank
I Scrub My Brain With Smart
Dancing Lung Puppets
Cotto No No
Excrement Measuring Cup
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Asshole Practice
I Love My Office
Generosity Of Spirit
Hero Worship (An Obituary)
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016