Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dead Letter Shrapnel - Karol

Yay! It's time for another letter from from a dead guy.This time: Pope John Paul II. This one goes to some chap named Phillip. I don't know Phillip. He's a friend of a friend. All I know is he has a secret gay crush on some dude and considers himself a thinker. He doesn't have a job. I'm forwarding this to the girl who will send it. I have faith that she'll carry through with this devious assault.

Dear Phillip,

I'm writing to you today from beyond the majestic curtain of death. God is merciful in bestowing this divine honor upon you, and I am blessed to be God's Hand in ushering these urgent messages before your sinful eyes. You are doing your Polish ancestors, contemporaries, and your Christian brothers and sisters a great disservice with your desires, words, and actions.

When I was the holy figurehead of the one true church of Catholicism, you were one of millions among my flock of believers. Now that I have passed on, I may confess without sin a preference for my own countrymen, the Poles. I count you among them despite your citizenship in America. My death was long and slow and painful, but it served to honor God in that it banded together Catholics the world around, and focused the peoples' attention towards the Vatican. My death reminded them of the everlasting glory of God and his Son, Jesus. In no way at any time did I feel slighted by the fact that God saw fit to provide that vacant cunt Terry Schiavo with a more pimpin' feeding tube than I, and that he gave her diapers with higher absorbancy. Excrement just smears on pure white cotton. I really needed feminine products for that sort of thing. Sorry. I'm rambling. I'm not bitter. I love God. When I was dying I just thanked Christ that I wasn't drooling on my robes. Much.

Back to the subject. You, young Phillip. How can I continue to speak well of you before his holiness God when you covet the anuses of men? You have not yet wiggled a sphincter, so your soul still has a chance at eternal glory. I write now to tell you that you must stay such homoerotic desires, and turn instead to the flesh of women. You must marry and be true and ride bareback and have many glorious children, who must all be taught the way of our Church. Sex with men is not permitted under the rules of the Catholic Church unless he is 13 or younger. (Even Catholics can baptize, hee hee.) You want a full grown hairy man with a gruff voice. That does not qualify.

Your dedication to your faith is also challenged by your lack of labor. The grueling pains of a farmer are the best builder of faith, but in this modern world not all can dedicate their lives to growing food and thanking God for his infinite mercy each time it rains. Substitutes are plentiful and easily found, and if you are not a dedicated scholar actively using your education to spread the news of Jesus, you should be honoring your father with daily toil. By that I mean: Get a fucking job, you lazy leeching punk. Your daddy won't let you suckle from his milky nipples forever, and your friends will stop bumming you smokes and instead jab theirs out in your eyeballs. Trust me, back when I was rimming kids behind the organ in Warsaw, my fellow church buddies stopped giving me free fags after I stopped giving them sloppy seconds. So trust me, it's true.

I hope God doesn't read this. He knew I was gonna be Pope so he gave me a free pass. I guess all us Polocks were easy desperate targets so I was the only practical choice. But I know he wouldn't like me bragging about it.

Anyways, shape up if you want to stay Catholic. Stop thinking, start believing. Be nicer to friends. Especially the women. I'm praying for you. Go confess. You need it. Bad.

With grace and illumination,
Your former figurehead,

aka "Hot Karol" Wojtyla
4:30 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


July 20, 2005 11:05 PM, Blogger alix said...

can you feel the fires of hell licking yet? LOL
when i commented "diabolical" before, i didn't know *this* was coming.
i can't laugh too loud this late, man. i'll wake people up.

July 21, 2005 9:24 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Dear God are you trying to get me to rupture a vital organ while laughing? These letters are so fucking funny. I wish I would have thought of this idea!

July 21, 2005 9:59 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

"Wiggled a sphincter."

I ruptured a testicle and soiled my shorts.

July 21, 2005 12:03 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

"And by the way, Phillip. It's 'Hail Mary,' not 'Hi there, Barry.'"

July 21, 2005 2:59 PM, Blogger Windjammer said...

Wow, that's too funny! But we're all going to Hell for reading this and you for writing this.

Oh well, I'll get the bus, you get the keg, Alix can round up the strippers, kerouaced can drive, and oldhorsetailsnake cankeep us entertained.

July 21, 2005 6:40 PM, Blogger alix said...

well, i suppose male strippers would be apropos...

July 21, 2005 11:14 PM, Blogger Ectoplasm said...

I spewed.

Can you translate into Latin?

July 21, 2005 11:54 PM, Blogger The Everglades said...

You're right--this is a devious assault. You'll have to let us know what the reaction is once he gets it. This is my favorite one yet because you tackled religion with such hilarity.


July 22, 2005 9:18 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I've been far more sacriligious than this: Praying For Ammonia.

July 22, 2005 9:25 AM, Blogger Floyd said...

So glad to know that I will not be alone as I stroll the brimstone paths of hell...

July 24, 2005 6:35 AM, Blogger biased opinion said...

go on, laugh you fucking darwinist cunts. you'll see! he who laughs last ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...... ad infinitum and you can't get longer than that.


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