Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Dead Letter Shrapnel - Dale

You know the drill. Prank time. I'm sending letters from dead people to my friends. First batch goes out tomorrow. I have their actual mailing addresses now. This one goes to a coworker.

Return Address:
Dale Earnhardt Sr.
Heaven

Addressee:
Jeremy ******
** ***** **
Schaumburg, IL *****


Dear Jeremy,

My big country heart is filled with joy when I see fellas like yourself takin a interest in NASCAR. We need more like you up there in the northern half of The United States Of America givin our racing sport its just due. From places like your home in Illinois we can spread the word about NASCAR like grits on a plate.

This fine sport has grown mighty popular over the years. When I first raced in the Winston Cup back in 1975, most folks was paying attention to Indy racing and never heard a damn thing about stock cars. In my humble opinion, it was downright silly for upstanding Americans to be laying all their adoration down before them funky I-talian pencil cars. I did every dang thing I could to promote the true patriotic automotive sport, NASCAR. I did it the whole time I was down there among y'all. Hell, my daddy done it, and now my son does it too. NASCAR was my life.

Some folks just don't see what you do. They don't see sleek high performance machines flyin like lightning across treacherous pavement. The danger don't strike their sense of awe. The rumble of revvin' engines don't sound like God's own thunder. The smells of exhaust and smokin rubber don't give em a nice buzz. They just don't get it. They don't feel the drama.

They just see brightly painted buckets o bolts zoomin in circles. They think we're a buncha chaw-chewin yokels in dirty underwear trying to drown ourselves in cheap beer and motor oil. They say we're slack-jawed good ole boys livin without the benefit or runnin water and 'lectricity. Hell, they prolly think we're still eatin' squirrels.

You and I know that ain't so. We got glory runnin in our blood, and we share a love for the greatest sport ever to grace this fine earth. I may have died in a ball of burnin gasoline and shredded steel, but I would not change a cotton pickin thing. I would not trade a single moment of my life in NASCAR.

So keep on enjoying the race. Keep on telling folks how great this is. Keep on rootin' for my boy, #8 in the Budweiser car.

Pedal to the metal good buddy.

Your pal,



P.S. Jeff Gordon really is a faggot. God told me so.
12:55 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

11 Comments:

July 13, 2005 2:39 PM, Blogger Caroline said...

The PS is by far the best so far!

 
July 13, 2005 3:35 PM, Blogger Amanda B. said...

Th P.S. really did it for me. That's funny as hell!

 
July 13, 2005 7:19 PM, Blogger alix said...

ROFL, i'm dyin' on the postscript...hahaha!

 
July 14, 2005 12:34 AM, Blogger natalie blair said...

us southerners do love us some nascar [not this particular southerner, but what the hell... willing suspension of disbelief and whatnot]... do have to give you an 'amen' on the postscript... you cheeky fellow...

 
July 14, 2005 3:33 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Damn skippy Amen!!!

 
July 14, 2005 7:51 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"P.S. Jeff Gordon really is a faggot. God told me so." ha ha ha. Nice ending. How about Hunter S. Thompson?

 
July 14, 2005 10:23 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Jesus, I can barely breathe. Easily your best letter yet.

I fill in occasionally on a morning show here in St. Louis and took a survey of whether Jeff Gordon was gay. Easily 90 percent say yes.

I loved this piece because I truly hate Nascar. Sorry.

 
July 14, 2005 1:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

love the gordon comment steve. there used to be a website for haters www.nfag.com (nascar fans against gordon),the domain's for sale. but if you pay attention, the next time gordon wins a race (which hopefully won't happen) take a close look at what he does after his "girlfriend" (front) gives him a kiss, it's the same thing he did when his "wife" kissed him . . . immediately, he would wipe it off, must be a girlie-cootie phobia . . . or he's just flaming.

 
July 14, 2005 2:29 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

That's all well and good but Dale ain't shittin' me: he's still eatin' squirrel.

 
July 14, 2005 3:31 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Alan Thicke's career, I think Lessa is the absolute best. She'll get her letter. I think it all went downhill for you after that episode in which Tracey Gold's character's boyfriend died in that drunken driving accident. The show really took a downturn after that.

Holy christ, I can't believe all this reaction to Jeff Gordon. I was just echoing Jeremy, I didn't realize there's a whole movement supporting the notion that he likes boys.

Dave, I don't feel one way or the other about NASCAR. But the stereotypes sure made this an easy letter to write.

I had a nice big story for everyone today, but the internet at work took a big crap on our heads.

It'll be up tomorrow, connectivity willing. I'm at home right now, and the story ain't.

 
July 14, 2005 7:32 PM, Blogger -G.D. said...

Ha, ha! Your mind is twisted.

Awesome blog.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Rainbow Syringe Gallery
Dead Letter Shrapnel - Tupac
Dead Letter Shrapnel - Bob
Dead Letter Shrapnel - Kurt
Galactic Bio-Electrical Chemistry
Can Of Corn
The Accidental Taxidermist Part Three
The Accidental Taxidermist Part Two
The Accidental Taxidermist Part One
Trepanning The Obese
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016