Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Dear Pandering To Drunken Tailgaiters Monolithic Broadcasting Entity

Dear Score 670 Maneagement,

I recently began listening to sports radio. I’d grown tired of the limited music selections offered by FM radio, so I switched bands out of curiosity. To my surprise, there was more available on the AM band besides weather, traffic, current events, and Hispanic trumpet music. I now regularly listen to WGN’s Spike Odell in the mornings, and during my lunch break and on my commute home in the evening I listen to your station or your main competitor, ESPN 1000.

I’d like to share a few thoughts on your programming.

I don’t listen to Murph and Fred in the morning. While their insights and knowledge may be top-notch, I find their humor to be pedestrian and unimaginative. Nor do I like the sounds of their voices. Their nasal braying reminds me of the church lady at work.

I love listening to Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein during my lunch break. Their humor is sharp-edged, sarcastic, irreverent, and colorful. Yesterday Terry described somebody as a “simpering pile of jello.” I chuckled at this and I’m likely to use it in conversation whenever possible during this holiday season. They went off on tangents and eventually began insulting each other in a mostly playful fashion. I also recall that they advocated applying Mike North’s giardinara pepper mix to the scalp as a hair regrowth formula. High comedy indeed. Please give them more money, or at the very least, some plastic dog feces and some blackjack chewing gum from a novelty store. I am confident that they will use these items to entertain me.

Mike North is good to listen to if I’m in a foul mood, because he’s always harping and crowing about somebody or other, and he loves to showcase hypocrisy and idiocy among athletes and coaches. Sometimes the lampooning is a bit too po-faced and serious for me, but Mike usually knows when to lighten up and have a laugh. That’s why I’ve enjoyed his “jag bag” call-in segments the most. They are mean-spirited but venomously uplifting nonetheless. I think the word I’m looking for here is cathartic. We Chicago sports fans have plenty of frustration to vent, and Mike is perfect for expressing our loathing.

Last weekend I was working my secondary job delivering pizzas in Hoffman Estates. On Saturday night, I believe it was, a show I’d never heard before called the Me and Z show came on. Aside from Boers and Bernstein, this was the best radio I’ve heard on your station. These guys must drink a whole lot of coffee. Between discussing the following day’s matchups, these gentlemen somehow laced in an astronomy lesson and some ruthless impersonations of Chris Russo from In The Huddle, a syndicated Westwood One program following theirs. “Hewwo, dis is Kwis Wooso heah wih Boomah, howzit goan Boom?” I didn’t see this show on the programming schedule published on your website. I will be checking again to find out when this show airs again. I really enjoyed it and would like to hear more from these sugar-addled chuckleheads.

Thanks for your time and attention.

1:54 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


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