Newcomers: A couple months ago I began sending prank letters to friends. All the letters are from dead people. So far I've done Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Tupac Shakur, Dale Earnhardt, and Pope John Paul II. Today, it's Isabel "Weezy" Sanford from the Jeffersons. She died about a year ago. I haven't seen the show since I was little, so her voice may be way off in this. I don't care. I just did a snappy black mama with some extra vulgarity tossed in for good measure.

This letter is addressed to a girl I don't know, but who lives nearby. She's a friend of an internet friend. I hope it gets sent.

Return Address:
Isabel Sanford
Heaven

Addressee:
Lindsey ********
*** ******* ***
River Grove, IL *****

Dear Lindsey,

Listen up now child. We gotta straighten a few things out right quick before you wreck yo damn life. I'm Isabel mothafuckin' Sanford. Yes'm you heard that right. The actress. I played Weezy on All In The Family and then on my own damn show, the Jeffersons. Yes, MY show. Not Sherman Helmsley's show. That punk. He got a little dick and a big head. Anyhow. I may be dead, but that don't mean I cain't speak up and holler when you runnin' the train off the track.

Why you? Why not? God is one demanding mofo, and now he got our ass sending out Dear Abby type shit from heaven to persuade all you livin' folk to pony up and act like saints. We know that ain't gonna happen, but I gotta look busy, so that's why you're holdin my letter.

Honey, I was the last of seven children. I'm the only one that lived past 12 months old. So I know what a bad mother is. My momma fed me ant paste and sun-dried grass heaps till I was twelve. That's when I learned to steal milk from the grocery and run like hell. I fed my own damn self and got myself a job and a scholarship and a college education. I put myself on the theatre stage by my own damn self. You got tha nerve to be complainin' 'bout yo mama? Sheeit. Stop yellin' at her and get the woman a box a ice cream and you pipe down. You give the lady respect and you'll get it back. Got it? Good.

1:40 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm