Friday, August 05, 2005
Before My Mastery
"Here. Eat this."12:00 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
"I hate mushrooms."
"These are special."
"Okay. If you say so. Here goes nothin'."
I ate two handfuls of dry spongy mushrooms. The stems were fuzzy and the caps were tinged with gold. The taste was akin to soggy tree bark. Yes, I've eaten bark. Very earthy and unpleasant. After washing down the nastiness with warm flat beer, I excused myself from the campsite.
"I'm gonna go find a nice place to drop a deuce. I'll be back soon."
"Don't wipe with poison ivy, boy scout!"
Half a mile deep into the woods, I found a stream and followed it. Call me Magellan. Truth is, I always wanted to shit down a waterfall. I would've settled for an overflowed beaver dam. I walked creekside for a while until I found the perfect spot. It was four feet tall, and to my mind, quite a find. Murky brownish water gurgled lazily down the modest incline. I dropped trou and squatted, one boot on the bank and the other on a flat rock protruding from the stream. My ass relaxed and a formidable mixture of liquids and solids escaped in frenzied staccato bursts like a seizure ridden epileptic working a caulking gun.
"Ploonk.... pa-ploonk." The stream swallowed my refuse. I stood halfway up and bent over, looking between my legs, my eyes following a happy floating turd to the edge of the incline, where it fell four feet from grace down to the resumption of the moving waterway.
I wiped with benign foliage and hiked my pants back up to my waist. Zipped, buttoned. Excellent. I turned and walked upstream whence I came. I was halfway back when the shrooms began to tug at my peripheral vision. Pixies, sprites, gnomes, leprechauns, and tribal pygmies darted to and fro at the edges of my sight. They all refused to remain still, and each time I whipped my head about to catch a full glimpse of one, the elusive little creature would dart behind a bush. My neck grew sore with whiplash.
"Alright you fuckers. Daddy's having midget eskimo skewers for dinner tonight! Watch out! I'll pounce upon thee with glorious abandon! Hi-yahhhh!"
Three hours later my friends found me. They'd been searching with flashlights for a long time. They found me covered in mud hopping about like a frog, stabbing holes in the earth.
"I think I got one. Finally!"
"Steve, get up man. Come back to the campfire."
I switched to LSD after that.
RECENTCreeping Momentum Part Two
Creeping Momentum Part One
Bad Writing Awards
Amyl Nitrate Science
The Secret Diablo River
Center In Grey
Ultraviolet Incubator Part Three