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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Biology And Frosting

I renewed my aggressive walking regimen last Wednesday. Between then and Friday I walked a total of 14 miles under an unforgiving sun radiating sweltering heat. I've always enjoyed the slow punishment of walking in black clothing until dehydration threatens a debilitating sunstroke. When I walk westward into the sun, all light goes a steely whitish blue and the world changes into a hollow glinting hallucination.

When I started doing this several summers ago, my body was not prepared for the assault. I arrived home from the first few walks with bleeding toes, an itchy ass, wild eyes, and a slight limp. One year later those symptoms reduced to blistered feet, chafed legs, wild eyes, and a slow step. Eventually I began popping gas station trucker speed pills before each journey. This doubled my lung capacity and my endurance. I'd roam for hours until I winced with each stride, and then I'd keep going for another hour. I became a trim tan dashing young fellow in decrepit shoes.

This year I've skipped the speed. I don't think I need the pills any longer. While I can walk far longer after swallowing a couple, I'm always compelled afterwards to consume twelve to eighteen beers before bedtime. During these guzzling marathons I'd usually sing out my windows to barking dogs and annoyed neighbors. Lots of Temptations and Smokey Robinson songs. Somewhat embarrassing, as I'm sure you can imagine. My falsetto sounds like a leprechaun coming his pants while getting reamed by a Rottweiller through a pokehole.

This year I've raised only a two mild blisters, only one of which popped prematurely. My skin is handling the sun without complaint, with one exception. I rode shotgun down 94 a week ago for a few hours and my right arm was roasted. Fast forward to Friday's stroll, and sweat bubbles were idling near my elbow, where each boiled, their clarity acting as a magnifiers. This resulted in burn freckles. Weird, huh?

Yesterday I decided to take a day off from walking, and I wore my dock slippers to work instead of shoes and socks. I've been wearing these slippers for a couple years, and they've accumulated several crusty layers of sweat and baby powder. Honestly, they're fucking disgusting. If I keep them on for longer than an hour, the heat from my feet microwaves the crusty gumminess into a clammy paste. It lubes between my toes. When I took them off upon arriving home yesterday, my feet were creamy. I wanted Taco Bell. Shoes and socks today, dry and sanitary.

Yes, I am nice and fresh and clean today, inside and out. Feels good.
11:15 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

21 Comments:

June 28, 2005 1:48 PM, Blogger EcamirG said...

My falsetto sounds like a leprechaun coming his pants while getting reamed by a Rottweiller through a pokehole.


dear god and jesus, that's funny.

 
June 28, 2005 1:50 PM, Blogger Alecia said...

Thanks for the comment to my blog...

Keep up the dehydrating walks..whatever works for ya..haha

 
June 28, 2005 4:00 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Nothing like a good walk. I tend to go at night, though, not to avoid the hot sun, but rather to avoid the possibility of meeting somebody and having to talk to them.

Walkers tend to be talkers.

 
June 28, 2005 4:18 PM, Blogger Saucy Monk said...

never picked u as a walker.

drinker, yes. walker, no.

 
June 28, 2005 5:07 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Not a nice way to treat genuine Algonquian moccasins, circa 1790. But they do last, don't they?

 
June 28, 2005 5:57 PM, Blogger BeckEye said...

Burn freckles! Maybe that's what it is...whenever I'm out in the sun for a long time (which in white, Irish girl time is more than 15 minutes) I freckle all along my upper lip, creating a freckle mustache. I wish it would freckle in a handlebar pattern...now that would kick ass.

 
June 28, 2005 6:20 PM, Blogger The Everglades said...

I also loved the leprechaun/rottweiller line. I think I farted with joy when I came to that part of the post.

I like to fart in public places, like the library I'm in right now. It is crawling with Asians speaking in their native tongue. From my peripheral vision, I can see them rubbing their noses and shifting in their seats.

Anyway, I can't imagine how the soft fuzzy interior of your moccasins must smell.

Blake

 
June 28, 2005 7:40 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

...and just while I was eating dinner....yum.

 
June 29, 2005 12:33 AM, Blogger The Everglades said...

You posted this comment on another blog, and in the future I can't promise I won't plagiarize the "stolen dick" bit:

"Well, I liked the Batman movie. I wouldn't touch The Honeymooners, Bewitched, Herbie, or Willy Wonka with a stolen dick."

Blake

 
June 29, 2005 8:50 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Wow, your walking regimen sounds rather...punishing. Stay away from flesh-eating shoes!

--karen

 
June 29, 2005 8:54 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

you da man yo

 
June 29, 2005 9:35 AM, Anonymous red said...

i'm dissapointed steve, when i began reading your blog your little pea brain was overflowing with imagination, now you're settling for the boring rants of the everyday frustrations of life? what gives? (and i'm just joking about the "pea brain" comment, i think you're pretty intelligent, just lazy??)

 
June 29, 2005 9:46 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Red, I write this blog for myself. For three years it's been anecdotes and rants about my life.

Only recently I began veering into oddity fiction. Writing those and digging up appropriate images often takes me three or four hours, and right now, I don't have that much free time at work. When I only have a little time for the blog, personal and ranty is what I write.

If it's any consolation, I have a story in mind, but I'm waiting for next week to write it. My sister is going to take some pictures with me this weekend for it. It'll be the second time my images weren't stolen, and the first time they were taken expressly for the story.

 
June 29, 2005 12:17 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Great piece of writing, but I have no reference by which to gauge your accuracy since I have only heard a leprechaun being reamed by a St. Bernard. A rottweiler probably produces a higher pitch... only guessin'.

 
June 29, 2005 12:29 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Generally slower individuals tend to be the marathon walkers, you know the ones with the boom boxes pressed up against their ears. The ones that throw in a few involuntary dance moves and grunts along the way. Once again Steve you defy characterization. Great piece...

 
June 29, 2005 2:02 PM, Anonymous red said...

looking forward to your story steve, go ahead and rant (most of the time it's pretty comical), it is your blog after all. I just appreciate your short stories more so, if i have to put up with whining in between, so be it. Your "oddity fiction" stories are definately worth the wait. they're the only reason i return, the ranting, however, can be found in any (and almost all) blogs, y'know? it gets boring after a while.

 
June 29, 2005 11:44 PM, Blogger The Everglades said...

Red,

I'd love to see your blog.

Blake

 
October 02, 2005 12:37 AM, Blogger jon said...

I am looking everywhere for sas shoes and sas shoes, while doing so I somehow stumbled onto your sas shoes blog. I am happy to say I learned something and will look into this further...

Thanks for the great posts...

jon

 
October 02, 2005 2:57 AM, Blogger blogdollar1 said...

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October 02, 2005 4:36 PM, Blogger Ayoye said...

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October 03, 2005 2:59 PM, Blogger Kevin Jackson said...

Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for caffeine in soda and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where caffeine in soda appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.

 

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