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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Imaginary Acts Of Mischeif

Many of my friends consider me a homebody. I won't go out drinking with them on weekdays, I won't visit them and eat their awful cooking, or I won't leave my job suddenly to tour Alabama.

Though I am beholden to my financial obligations and certainly don't waste enough money by paying $4 per beer, I do plenty of happy go lucky things.... in my mind. I am constantly trying to envision new absurdities and pranks to be inflicted on the general public. I wrote an entry over a year ago about becoming a health vigilante padlocking drive-thrue windows somehow. Here's some more. Try them and send me pictures.

1. Place a wig at an inappriopriate location. (Glued to a stop sign, a passed out wino's crotch, on the bananas at the supermarket, under a bald adversary's windshield wipers)

2. Place dentures at an inappropriate location. (In public toilets/urinals, in somebody's coffee - preferably capuccino, anywhere visible with a hot dog sticking out, in the mailbox, next to a corpse that already has natural teeth - do not provide the corpse) Aside: I think dentures in a snow globe would be an awesome Christmas decoration.

3. Go to the laundromat and tye-dye peoples clothing without permission. Preferrably somebody you know, so they can get you back. If you do this to strangers, leave immediately after finishing. Or, wear a fake mustache and stay to wait for their reaction. Do not get arrested/killed.

4. Beat up a hippy.

5. Go to the carnival and put Polish house music, Celine Dion, and happy hardcore CDs in place of the AC/DC, Scorpions, and Motley Crue. The greasy tattooed staff will go into to shock upon hearing them, fall on the throttle, the ride will speed up to well past the breaking point and teenagers will be flung in multiple directions to their gruesome deaths. The media and general public will begin blaming adult contemporary music for violent acts instead of Judas Priest and Marilyn Manson.

These are not funny. They're confusing and distressing. They make people want to go far away just to be safe from the unbalanced sicko responsible for the travesty at hand.

There. I feel better.

3:56 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


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