Saturday, September 17, 2011
Today, I'd like to begin describing this fantasy season using the human life cycle as my applied metaphor.
In week 1, fetal Hot Mustard Snack was almost stillborn. Despite his mother drinking and smoking during the pregnancy, with the threat of a bloody miscarriage looming, baby Mustard was born no worse than a bit premature.
Despite a couple fits of crying and wailing, my infant team weathered the difficult matchup and finally arrived safely at momma's tit, happily suckling breast milk and growing strong. (by this, I mean that I won over the Hoffster's Kingview team and now I'm ready for week 2.)
So why the picture of the baby with the poopy diaper? Well, if you weren't paying attention in the draft chat, Hot Mustard Snack does not refer to pre-flavored pretzels, Hot Pockets, or German takeout.
Mustard Snack refers to explosively crapping oneself. Shitting your pants, especially when your feces is sloppy diarrhea, is just disgusting. However, this activity (if you'd call it that) can actually have far more horrible connotations.
It can be applied to sexual perversion as well, if you're willing to apply the most vile and depraved abilities of your imagination. Think fecal foreplay. Horny scat munching. Brown corn chowder chomping.
Fucking awful, am I right?
The commissioner encouraged dirty, terrible team names at the season's outset. I chose this name for three reasons:
1. To please the commissioner by honoring his request.
2. If I win and continue to win, I will be metaphorically above you all, and therefore, shitting on my competition. If not, I'm just shitting my own pants.
3. This is King Of The Hill. Everybody knows the expression "the shit always rolls downhill." Even wet shit can do that, I imagine.
Don't worry, I'm almost done offending your delicate sensibilities. Butt now it's time for me to talk shit. (all puns intended)
Week 2 is here, and infant Mustard is fast approaching toddler status. It's time to empty the loaded diaper on Claymation Yukon's head.
Get your shampoo ready, pal. 6:22 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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